Village-based speed sign to ‘just give up’.

Speed sign sad face

A Vehicle Activated Sign (VAS) in the quaint countryside thoroughfare of Bissington Brinkwell has announced plans to ‘just give up’ following a long, unsuccessful campaign against unruly traffic.

The village is situated on the A58008, equidistant between the affluent towns of Shuntbridge and Penisham. In recent years, the constant flow of what local councillor Cyrill Spiffing described as ‘twats in phallic sports cars’ through the rural idyll resulted in a vote favouring the introduction of traffic control measures.

The sign, named Hamish Skeleton, was tasked with gently reminding motorists of the 30 MPH speed limit upon entering the village

“I got into this industry because I wanted to make a difference”, he explained. “My parents owned a pet squirrel when I was younger which was flattened by a careless driver doing 33 MPH. They were never the same again after that and I thought to myself, if I can prevent just one family from having to bear that same pain, I will die a fulfilled man”.

However, Hamish has suffered only indifference and negativity from drivers since his job began. “I just don’t know why I bother”, huffed the exasperated Skeleton. “Sundays are the worst. I hear their stupid motors from miles off and as soon as they come roaring round the corner I flash my lights and display my sad face to illustrate how their behaviour is affecting others, but most just carry on. Some even speed up because there is a long straight after they pass me. It’s just hopeless.”

But as well as being ignored, Hamish has also experienced varying degrees of abuse. “Oh I get fingers all the time. One finger, two fingers, sometimes a clenched fist shaken at me in an intimidating fashion. One summer I had a McDonalds strawberry milkshake splashed on my front fascia. It dried on in the sun and became crusty which attracted ants. I had to wait for the September rains to wash it off”.

The hurt speed board added, “One man felt so perturbed by my presence that he actually threw a cup of urine at me. He stopped, got out of his car and threw it in my face. I mean, I’m built to be water proof to resist the weather, but you can’t water proof my feelings. At least he slowed down I guess. Every cup of piss has a silver lining.”

When asked about his future, Skeleton sighed heavily and admitted, “Enough’s enough. I’m done. Some other chump can try and marshall the conveyor belt of souped-up scrotalists using this horrible road if they want, but I’m out. I didn’t sign up for this shit”. He was so downbeat that even the pun was lost on him.

I am Rebel Tanner, and this is Not News.


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