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In Other News

Posted in Football with tags , , , , on November 21, 2012 by innothingwetrust

Chelsea Sack Pep Guardiola

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovic today announced the sacking of future manager Pep Guardiola weeks before he was even due to take over at the West London club. The axe-wielding oligarch cited that he couldn’t ever imagine being happy, regardless of results and silverware, and that Pep Guardiola was not the man to change that.

The development comes just hours after previous incumbent Roberto di Matteo was dismissed for winning only the FA Cup and the owner’s much sought-after Champions League title, including a gruelling, gritty and resolute semi-final victory with ten men over the greatest-team-in-the-world, Barcelona, in their own back yard. He followed up this meagre offering with a merely ‘excellent’ start to the 12/13 season which has left Chelsea in third place, just 4 points off the top spot. With just 26 games remaining in the Premier League season and everything to play for in all other cup competitions, it seems the man upstairs is feeling those end-of-season jitters.

In addition to Guardiola’s early demise, Abramovic is currently drawing up plans to sack all future managers for any loss they might suffer at the helm. In addition, he is writing stipulations into their already-defunct contracts that the wearing of silly hats, allowing their players to grow any kind of facial hair and using anything other than Abramovic’s newly developed square football in training sessions will result in immediate dismissal. Rumours abound that the minted Russian is even helping to organise an impending fan coup to oust himself from ownership of the club following a future string of increasingly insane decisions, resulting in his own public crucifixion on Fulham Road. However, these rumours are as yet unsubstantiated.

Peter Crotchenstaff, spokesperson for Chelsea fanzine ‘Blue Ring’ was incandescent with rage at Roman Abramovic stating, “He’s mad. He’s flippin’ mad. Mad as a big bag of honey”. One fan who was interviewed asked, ”Did Roman Abramovic have a wife called Ruth who left him? Because he’s pretty Ruthless. I thought that one up while I was driving earlier, please use it in your article”. (you’re welcome – Ed.)

In other news, Cadbury have permanently ceased all production of Crunchie bars with immediate effect. Owner and CEO Dick van Bandersnatch was reportedly angered at not getting ‘that Friday feeling’ upon eating one of the chocolate honeycomb snacks – despite it actually being a Friday. Crunchie adopted the slogan in the 1980s and have been operating atop the successful advertising campaign ever since, but Bandersnatch felt it was time to call time on the brand. “Rather than change the mantra in lieu of a more attainable consumer promise, I’ve decided to just ditch the whole bloody lot”, spluttered the portly Executive, adding, “the great thing about throwing your toys out of the pram as an adult is that you are old enough to get out, pick them all up and throw them out again. It really is splendid fun”.

Employees of the chocolate giant have branded the head of the company ‘a total prat’.

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In Other News

Posted in Advertising & Television, Other with tags , , , , on October 24, 2012 by innothingwetrust

Tears for beers as 007 cuts Bonds with tradition

This week, Daniel Craig defended the decision to change 007’s drink of choice to the humble Heineken for upcoming Bond installment, ‘Skyfall’.

“Product placement has existed in films for 50 years. These movies cost a lot of money and we wouldn’t be able to keep making them if it wasn’t for things like this”, the actor explained, entirely free from the threat of contractually binding non-disclosure agreements.

James Bond enthusiasts have been incensed by the decision which they feel shows that product placement has gone too far, now invading not just the film itself but elements integral to the character of the British secret agent. One fan was even heard to remark, “James Bond drinking Heineken? I can’t believe it”.

Daniel Craig also disclosed new snippets of information regarding the two further Bond installments he is signed up for.

“The first one will be called ‘The Real Thing’. Faced with the moral quandary surrounding the nature of his job, James becomes an alcoholic”. Obviously no brands in particular are implemented in his irresponsible behavior. “He gets demoted by M after a string of errors and loses his ‘007’ status, ending up as Agent 118-118. MI5 expand their operation and now hire more than 26 office-based staff at any one time. As such, they have to increase their list of code names, and Bond is introduced to Accounts Clerk BT who, over a series of cheap, long distance phone calls communicates effectively to him the merits of Teetotalism. Now drinking exclusively Coca-Cola – Heineken aren’t made of money – Bond re-discovers his flair, but is double-crossed by M at the expense of his job…”

Craig continued, “I’ve only just seen the script for the second film, but the working title seems to be ‘Insert sponsor name here’. In it, we see James working as a G4S Security man following his dismissal by the British government. After their monumental Olympics balls-up, those guys will pay a LOT to re-build their image. That’s basically the whole film actually at the moment”.

In other news, the makers of Popeye have announced that all of the Sailor Man’s cartoons will be retrospectively edited to replace his old trusty cans of spinach with Green Giant Sweetcorn. The sound of the burly scallywag’s signature “Ah ga ga ga ga” laugh will also be replaced by a hearty “Ho ho ho” as part of the same agreement. Rich Bastard, President of ‘Seaman Productions’ who make the cartoon retorted, “Integrity? I’m so loaded I’m shitting cash. Do I look like I care about integrity?”

‘Skyfall’ hits UK cinema screens this Friday.

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