Archive for Jose Mourinho

Chelsea to beat Arsenal on Saturday ‘for a laugh’ despite woeful start to season.

Posted in Football, Not News with tags , , , , , , on September 13, 2015 by innothingwetrust


Following a crushing 3-1 defeat, Jose Mourinho remained calm in his post-match press conference at Goodison Park yesterday safe in the knowledge that Chelsea’s next fixture is at home to London rivals Arsenal. His confidence shone despite the fact that his faltering side have had an utterly abject start to the 15/16 season, picking up a paltry 4 points from their first 5 games and languishing just above the relegation zone.

“It is a chance for my squad to get a little bit of a break when we play Arsenal”, opined the Portuguese manager. “Honestly, I can do any kind of drills I want in training this week. In fact on Tuesday I might just get Nemanja Matic to hold Pedro at arm’s length while he swipes at his midriff and have the squad watch that for an hour. Then it’ll be off to the Taj for a curry.”

Arsene Wenger’s failure to ever beat Jose Mourinho (save for this season’s Community Shield, but… come on) has become something of a millstone around his neck and by now the Frenchman must be well and truly acquainted with the inside of Mourinho’s back pocket. A paparazzi reporter even published an article back in 2013 claiming the below image to depict the Arsenal boss ritualistically burning an effigy of Mourinho in his back garden upon hearing that he would once again have to cross swords with his nemesis:


Although unsubstantiated, the report is nonetheless believable given Wenger’s total ineptitude against Mourinho. The Blues manager, however, remains nonchalant.

“In the early days I used to prepare properly for Arsenal. But I soon realised that with these two teams, it is a bit like a fly versus a window. Does a window have to prepare itself for an insect continually charging head-first into it? Of course not. It just sits there knowing the fly cannot harm it and that if the fly hits it hard enough, it might die. So we will be the window; transparent, unmoving, solid, predictable. And Arsenal will be the fly; dumb, nervous, oblivious to the fact that there is an open door right next to the window.”

On his team selection, The Special One revealed, “We have Begovic in goal because Courtois is out, but frankly I could play Eva Carneiro in goal. She’s probably a better keeper than she is a doct-“. Sadly Chelsea’s Press Officer called a halt to proceedings at that juncture leaving rows of dumbfounded sports hacks to only imagine what his closing point was going to be. No doubt it would have sent still more daggers into Wenger’s heart.

I am Rebel Tanner, and this is Not News.

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