Archive for Nandos

Man sparks controversy with neutral opinion of Jeremy Corbyn.

Posted in Not News, Politics with tags , , , , , on September 17, 2015 by innothingwetrust

Hemel Hempstead man

Saturday 12th September, 2015. Remember where you were, people. Most already do. Depending on their political persuasion, they have either emblazoned the date that Jeremy Corbyn became Labour Leader in their psyche as the day that Socialist politics made a glorious return to the mainstream with Corbyn their left-wing Jesus Christ, or the day that the Labour Party disappeared up its own backside and ate itself from the gizzards out. Tory hardliners have thrown parties hailing the end of any credible opposition for years to come and blue-nosing tabloids have kicked their scathing headline pun machines into overdrive (‘Who’s in the CorBIN?’ – Good one, The Sun!). Meanwhile, liberals the country over have been veritably flooding social media with their digital tears of joy.

However, Clefton Moss, a Web Developer from Hemel Hempstead, has courted controversy among colleagues by stating that he hadn’t really made up his mind on Corbyn just yet. The conversation took place in a local branch of spiced chicken giant, Nandos while on a work lunch break.

“It started out as an innocent chat about the weekend over the pitta and red pepper dip”, recalled Moss. “The usual topics were covered: weather, football, kids, shopping. But my heart sank as some berk from Finance chugging a neck full of refillable Coke started on about Corbyn. ‘Anyone else drink to the death of Labour on Saturday then?’, he said. I mean, what kind of cocksure moron opens a new conversation topic with a deliberately incendiary statement like that?”.

Clefton felt the ripples of discomfort lap around the table as people gradually gave their input. Soon, polarised opinions were stacking up and as it came to his turn to spout on the matter, he felt nervous because no one had yet shared his view. “I don’t really know yet. I mean, it’s such a massive shift in the landscape for Labour, it’s a bit too early, don’t you think?”, Moss admitted. Looking up and seeing his colleagues’ faces agog at his statement, he quickly added, “too early for this Extra Extra Hot black label sauce, am I right?!”. The wrangling quickly turned to how someone could have formed no extreme opinion of Corbyn after nearly a whole week in leadership.

Just as the conversation was bubbling over, pleasantries were forcibly resumed with the arrival of the mains. “I thought it was over when my butterfly chicken breast – lemon and herb – with piri-piri chips and a side order of coleslaw arrived”, the solemn Moss said wistfully. But the pleasantries were short-lived. Finance berk flogged the Corbyn horse till it was bloody and lame and as his co-workers bickered over the issue, Moss mumbled – by this point to himself – “Well, I like that he has a dedicated minister for mental health and I agree with his tough stance on stemming Corporation Tax avoidance, but I don’t see how they can fund all their ideas on Corp. Tax alone. They need at least a year in opposition as a shadow cabinet to flesh out their policies for me to be able to make a decent judgement”.

Clefton’s colleagues were disgusted. Helen Highwater, an HR Administrator, raged, “How can you have not made up your mind about a man who looks like a homeless Obi-Wan Kenobi, is friends with terrorists and doesn’t even sing the national anthem?! I don’t know if I can work in the same building with someone who hates our Queen.”

Byron Beardsworth-Specks, a well-known liberal reactionary douche working in Sustainability, pondered how Moss expected politics in this country to go on if another privileged, well-educated, moderate leader had been elected. “I mean, he attended private Prep and boarding schools but only got two A-levels, and both were Es. He didn’t even finish University! He’s one of us!”.

Even the waitress serving the group (known only by her Nandos-approved name, Andreia Ribeiro Nunes Moreno Pereira) had her say. “Corbyn’s going to ruin this country. He’ll probably outlaw Nandos and make me redundant, the vegetarian bastard. I think that Mossy Cleft fella’s got a nerve coming in here and spreading horrible middle-of-the-road observations about him. Plus, lemon and herb chicken but piri-piri chips? Wanker.”

I am Rebel Tanner, and this is Not News.

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